Here's That Post About Tampons You Never Asked For

I'm always amazed by the way companies are able to improve upon already existing products, products that you would think were not only just fine as they were, but had also been pretty much perfected to the point that further innovation would be so unnecessary as to make said innovations simply marketing ploys in disguise.

But they wouldn't do that, would they?
Nah...

Just recently the fine people of Proctor&Gamble outdid themselves yet again with the release of the Tampax Radiant Collection.  Of Tampons.
Radiant.
Tampons.
I shit you not, and there's a link just a few lines back to prove it.

Do these people think I'm stupid? A tampon is pretty much a tampon except for the three following variables you can read about after the jump:


1) The Tampon has a plastic applicator

2) The Tampon has a cardboard applicator.

3) The Tampon has no applicator, as in the case of OB brand tampons.

You know, as I wrote that I got to wondering why they're called applicators in the first place. I mean, a tampon is not something you apply, really. It's something you insert. Right? Shouldn't they be called...inserters? Or insertors? Well apparently those aren't even actual words, but they could be. Insertion Device, perhaps? I dunno. Whatever. I'm getting off track.

The applicator or lack thereof is pretty much the only thing that separates one tampon from another. Preferences in this area vary, of course, as preferences are wont to do. Personally I find that cardboard applicators are rather painful and uncomfortable, but they're more environmentally friendly than plastic applicators, which, as you might imagine, are much more comfortable and provide a fairly pain free insertion process. They just glide right on in there. I used to prefer and regularly use tampons with a plastic tampon delivery system, until I discovered OB tampons, which are the most environmentally friendly of all due to their lack of any sort of inserter type thing. This makes some women squeamish, I guess, because using a tampon without an inserter type thing means you actually have to touch your own lady parts. And that's just gross. I, however, don't mind touching my lady parts at all. In fact I'm doing it right now.
 Just kidding.
 No I'm not.
Yes I am.
Nu uh.
No I really am. Kidding, I mean.

Also, some tampons are, quite unnecessarily and perhaps unhealthily as well, scented.
But that's that. You decide how much you want to add to waste and pollution, and whether or not you think the stench of your menses is so horribly putrid that you require artificial perfumes to mask it, and just like that your tampon selection process is complete. Or it should be, anyway.

Somehow, though companies keep making these amazing breakthroughs in the field of feminine protection.
There's U by Kotex.. This line of menstrual material soaker-uppers promises that it is not your ordinary menstrual material soaker-upper. Oh no. It's extraordinary. And you can tell, because they come in cool looking boxes and are wrapped in array of colors so festive as to make your period a veritable party in your pants. Which it's just not and never ever will be, even if the wrapper of your tampon is lime green.

When the U line first came out I remember wondering who would be dumb enough to allow the color of the wrapper to determine the purchase of the actual product. But it turns out the answer is lots of people, including my daughter. Yes my kiddo insisted that she had to have this brand in particular, and I did indulge her a couple of times, because who feels like having an argument in the feminine protection aisle. Not me, man. But then I was just like "Look, they cost like a dollar more and if you want to buy them, you can, but I just won't."

And now of course, we women have been blessed by Radiant Tampons, which offer a resealable wrapper, a clean grip applicator, and outstanding leak guard protection. I'm not sure why I'd want or need to reseal the wrapper of my tampon, or how a clean grip applicator is different from any other applicator.
And I've never really had a problem with leakage no matter what brand I've used. I'm also pretty sure that Tampax has been boasting about it's leak guard protection for years now, so that's not exactly new

Still, I had a coupon, and my period, so I decided to try them. For Science.
For you.

What a pretty box. Look how it sparkles. It makes me want to ride a unicorn. That leak guard protection would come in handy for unicorn riding, I bet. How awful would it be to leak menstrual fluid all over your unicorn?

So anyway, they have a pretty box. That's nice.
 And the applicator does look different from most I've seen. But I don't think this advanced design enhanced or impacted my tampon insertion experience at all.
I used the tampons for the entirety of my period, from the first awful heavy flow days through to winding down to a trickle ones. They do offer a multi-pack, which I like. Whoever thought of the multi-pack is a genius. In fact, the multi-pack is probably the only real advance in tampons since they stopped making them out of wool.

Now, after having put these tampons through their full menstrual paces, I can report to you my findings. Which are Scientific.

Tampax Radiant Tampons are just like every other Fucking Tampon. The delightful glow and sparkle begin and end with the box. Having your period still sucks, and there are no fucking Unicorns.